Somewhere between wanting to live the dream life and actually living the dream life, something broke.
The worst thing is, it makes no sense as to why...
Depression is a funny thing isn't it? Sometimes people have a reason for the dip into the darkness, sometimes however, even years down the line, they still have no understanding as to why they fell so deeply, so quickly.
The sad thing about depression is that it is never really gone. It still lurks there silently in the background, like a tiger in the grass about to pounce on it's prey.... but less impressive to watch on national geographic.
I honestly think that someone up there has a remote control, with my name on it. They point and press it at me when what's going on gets boring or they want a soap style twist in the story.
My life is a little like a drama from a soap storyline as it is to be honest. A little bit of Eastenders, Corrie, Hollyoaks and Emmerdale all mixed together with the bad acting of Home and Away and Neighbours thrown in for fun. The only thing I'm lacking at the moment is a crazed murderer going around killing the cast of my life for no apparent reason... whoever has that remote, don't get any ideas, this isn't a request for another storyline.
My life so far has involved so much drama. So when the drama finally faded and the happy ending was on the horizon, I thought I was finally becoming an extra in someone else's drama rather than the star of the show and I felt so, so, happy about that. I thought nothing could ruin it and the storm had passed.
The thing is, the idiot with the remote has a button on it that says 'Depression' then 'only press when in need of a tear or two'. It is a button that once pressed can't be undone until the repair man comes out... and you know how long it takes for a repair man to come out. You can never guarantee that the repair man will be on time or can even fix the problem too, which in itself is frustrating.
I have no idea what triggered the last episode of issues but I think I may have just hit a brick wall after the excitement and stress of the past few years and our amazing wedding.
I slowly deteriorated over a couple of weeks, fighting it at every step, hiding it so people couldn't see that I was struggling. The fact that this isn't the first time I'd fallen of the depression wagon, meant that I knew what was happening and so I could try and ride the rollercoaster without anybody noticing.
That wasn't as easy as it sounds. I was easily upset, paranoid, scared, panicky, stressed... the list goes on... but I also felt constantly ill. My health issues I have, that are under investigation by a neurologist, started to get even worse than they were before, I now have constant pin and needles in the left side of my face as well as my hands and feet... my body just feels broken.
Everything was just getting on top of me and I felt like I was trapped underneath a glass or like a wasp in a can of fizzy drink, desperately trying to get out, but the gap was magically shrinking and taking all my time and space with it. I felt like I was gasping for breath and being drowned by thin air, like I was going mad.... well madder than usual.
Don't get me wrong, I can't explain how happy I am with my family life, it is all I have ever wanted. I can honestly say I am grateful everyday for having such beautiful children and a loving husband and I would never take that for granted or not understand how lucky I am to have them...
So why am I feeling like I'm struggling for breath as I try and reach the surface of a rapidly closing coke can?
I know it sounds dramatic and at the risk of being attacked by Katie Hopkins for being a pathetic human being, I have had that hideous feeling that I am failing mentally and physically at life...
There I said it.
I know I can do better at certain things and the fact I am currently distracting myself with stupid things that don't necessarily need doing like, painting band names on Kyd's wall or creating Tortoise houses (long story I'll fill you in later), is a sure sign that I am starting to get better as that is what I do best... procrastinate.
So why am I writing this post and why on earth am I telling you all this?
Well I like to be honest when I've sneakily been feeling rough for so long and I know that my blog has been neglected in the process of feeling crap so it is the best way possible to put out a mass apology.
SO I would just like to apologise to all of the people I've let down, not replied/responded to, not answered the phones to. Or the ones I've not emailed, text, facebooked, tweeted, reviewed or commented on blog posts or life events... or even said hello in person.
I am really sorry and I know it is frustrating and upsetting at times to be so blatantly ignored but sometimes my head is in a different place and I physically can't speak/type/live a normal life and I sort of curl in a ball and hide in the corner until I have to pretend again and paste a fake smile on my face....
I love you all really and I would like to share these bottle of Gin with you all...
So get a nice big glass I've got enough to share,
*throws the ice and slice at you all*
Have you all got your glass half full?
*raises glass in the air*
Here's to Honesty Life, Love and Mental Health... well Health in general actually.