I can't sleep.
I don't want to close my eyes.
I'm in agony.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to leave my kids or fiance.
Or cats..... however sad that may sound.
I don't want to leave my life, even if it is a bit complicated most of the time!
My baby is 9 days old!!!!! He doesn't know me yet he can't be denied knowing his mother! It's not fair. He might not even like me but he doesn't know that yet so it's not fair to take that away from him.
I don't know him yet either I haven't had chance to even bond with him my feet haven't touched the ground yet we've had only a few bloody days of normality in his whole life as we've been in and out of hospital etc.
What would Kyd do? I am all he has ever known. It has been me and him against the world for nearly 10 years. I couldn't imagine trying to explain to him I was never coming back and it wouldn't be me telling him. He wouldn't understand and nobody would understand him and his needs. Hoff knows most of the day to day stuff but his appointments etc are all down to me. He wouldn't have a clue.
I want to watch my kids grow up and get married to Hoff next year as planned. I don't want anybody else bringing my children up or for Hoff to be doing it on his own. I've done it on my own for years and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. He deserves to be happy. They deserve to be happy.... They deserve their mum and soon to be wife!!! However awkward I may be!!!
Why the hell is this happening to me. I have tried so far to not play the woe is me card but I can't stop crying. Hoff is asleep next to me Rocky is on my chest and Kyd is in the next room. I daren't shut my eyes. I daren't go to sleep in case I never see them again. I can't deal with it.
I've ruined Hoff's paternity leave he's not had chance to bond and settle because he's been looking after me! Most of his first week was spent watching me not give birth and the other was watching Rocky not put on weight and then this! He's spent more time in hospital than most of the patients in there have. I feel like I've ruined his first few weeks of being a dad.
Is this Karma? All those times, when I had PND after having Kyd, that I tried to take my own life after thinking he deserved more... is this pay back? now I want to be alive and I am happy they are going to throw it back at me. Is this my fault then? If this is karma then I deserve everything I get. I took life for granted all those years ago after having Kyd and now they want me to understand how much life really means....
Well I know now! You've made me suffer enough. Please just let my family be happy and me to enjoy the rest of my life and I promise I will appreciate every day of it. I promise.
I will lie awake all night and stare at them. I don't want to lose them. I love them too much.