As most of you know from previous post's I don't remember much about Kyd or his early years as I seem to have blocked them out. This pregnancy seems to be bringing back a few more than I'd expected though and I'm almost overwhelmed by them.
I'd come to terms with the thoughts & memories of my lovely huge 9 1/2 year old being that tiny were long gone in my head. It was almost like he was dropped on my doorstep age 4, that or Will Smith had come along with his Men in Black memory wiper and zapped me. I've always wanted to find them, I've dreamt about things but I am not sure whether I am making them up or not now.
The other day a lovely lady we know gave us some bits and bobs for the baby. Amongst them was an activity mat & a blow up play ring that they sit in.... I had this instant overwhelming feeling of 'we had them for Kyd' but couldn't quite place it. I couldn't stop thinking about it after either it was bugging me!!!
I remembered though eventually, we had borrowed the exact same Activity Mat from the local toy library and the Play Ring was the same as the one they used at the disabled playgroup he attended weekly. He didn't sit up until he was 1 so this ring was used to prop him & his friends up so they got to play together.
I have OCD so even though they were both clean I began to wipe them both down and clean them... this is when I also began to cry. I put the activity mat together and whilst looking at it I just had this vision of this little bundle laying on it. I was crying because I wasn't sure that my vision was Kyd or whether I was just hoping it was, but either way it was mad. I could see him in my head on that very mat and the thought of the baby in my belly being on that in a few short months too made me panic a bit.
I don't have many pictures to look back on with Kyd and I am determined to make up for that mistake with this one. When the baby arrives I will take a pic of both the boys on the same mat... I might cry again but it will be nice to see and to put that memory aside and bank for another smile on another sunny day.
Memories coming back will be a strong point of the next few years I think... scary thought but exciting non the less.