Sunday, 4 March 2012

Pregnancy Diary: 01/03/2012 - I'm petrified of putting on weight!


So I know what you are going to say, and I know, I know, I’m pregnant I’m going to be putting on weight! BUT I have this hideous niggle in the back of my head about just how much weight I’ll be putting on. I have hated my body for years and at certain stages have gone as far as making myself sick and taking stupid amounts of laxatives to lose weight... just to add that doesn’t work but you do become addicted to them and your body takes more and more tablets to make them work. I have issues and I have worked through them and come out of the other side, albeit with a damaged bowel and IBS but I now know the dangers. I think at the time it was a way of dealing with the madness surrounding my life and I know that now but I’m petrified that I’ll slip up and start obsessing again if I start gaining shed loads of weight. I didn’t really let it become common knowledge at the time as certain family members had suffered eating disorders most of their lives and I was trying not to draw attention to my own issues in case it took it away from their more serious ones. 

I must admit I’m still crap at eating regularly and I like to eat crap, this is an issue... but I can go all day and not realise I hadn’t fed myself. I find myself realising more now I’m pregnant that I have a horrible eating pattern and I need to fix it. My average day if I am at home, on my own or with Kyd, I would not eat breakfast, forget to have lunch and then realise at 3/4pm that I’d not eaten, scoff a bag of crisps and a biscuit and then eat dinner as usual with everyone else... then snack on things whilst watching TV.  I hear you health folks screaming ‘THIS IS SO UNHEALTHY ITS UNREAL!!’ but scarily this is my life... feels worse now it’s written down. It was often different if I was meeting people for lunch or if I was out and about.
In the first 3 months of pregnancy I was so ill and had such a rough time I wasn’t often hungry and I often threw up what I did manage to eat so I lost quite a lot of weight... like a whole 8lbs! 

Now that I’m 4 months pregnant I try and eat cereal at breakfast, try and eat a healthy lunch and have a decent dinner with the family at the table... but I’m still a bit pants at remembering the first and middle bit but I am starting to get more and more hungry so my body/sprout is reminding me to eat. I do eat a lot of fruit and veg and I am very into rocket at the moment... and crisps... Salt and vinegar bloody crisps and here is what is worrying me!!! 

I’m eating/snacking a lot more than I did before and I am struggling to stop myself from eating crap. As I watch my belly grow and my bum get bigger, I’m beginning to freak out. What if I become huge? I’m 6ft tall and I will end up looking like the honey monster. I know if I put on huge amounts I won’t be able to lose it after the baby and in time for the wedding exactly a year after my due date! But my biggest worry is I’ll hate myself and my body again. Most women will understand my angst and I know many will laugh and say I’m being paranoid but I’m praying I don’t get overly big as I don’t want to go back to my stupid ways of thinking, as I was so unwell before. I am trying to eat well but with Kyd being unwell and certain smells freaking me out I’m struggling....
 
Anyway, I know this post will annoy some people and I know they will tell me I’m stupid and after all I’ve been through I should be enjoying my pregnancy...  But right now I am more worried about the size of my bum and my thighs because for the first time in 4 months I’m being selfish and thinking about me.... I don’t think that’s a huge amount of selfishness really is it?


PS my boobs can stay, they're huge it's brilliant!!!!!

2 comments:

  1. I hear what you're saying and I think you're entitled to feel like that. It IS difficult to cope with all the extra weight and balancing eating healthily with craving salty or sugary foods. My eating habits are scarily similar to yours and reading your blog today reminded me to eat my lunch! Everything you have been through means that you are more entitled than most to have a few selfish moments and worry about the small stuff - things that to other people might not matter but to you they do. Don't feel guilty for it and don't listen to anyone who says you "shouldn't be thinking like that". It's your life, your body - your way!

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  2. I can completely relate - I've had similar problems with my eating/laxative abuse as you and I too fear pregnancy weight (not that I'm pregnant at the moment but I will be at some point I imagine) I guess though, this is a chance to really get your eating habits in gear - 9 months of choosing healthy, a good for you foods (because its always eating to make the right choices for someone else, especially your child, than it is yourself) will stand you in good stead for eating well post-preganancy and hopefully keep you on track for the rest of your life :) xxx

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