August 2011: Standing Tall... but for how long!
I’m feeling a little better now and after a few weeks of tears and stress, I have come to terms with my genetics once again and I am feeling a little stronger about my situation and decisions. We have decided to look further into the Egg Screening system called PGD, there is no harm in looking into it after all. Although we are still going to try naturally in the mean time and cover all bases. I have decided to deal with the situation when it comes instead of stressing about what I might do if and when it does finally happen. I am known for changing my mind about things so I am planning on just going with the flow.... this is easier said than done obviously but I am going to try and stay positive. People are all different and some may condemn me for future decisions I may make, but this happens all the time and I am sticking to my guns by going by my own situation and thoughts, even if I change my mind a few times and although I’ll be taking their views into consideration I will not be bullied into a decision that will affect not only my future but the whole of my families future too. It is my body, my family, my baby, I will decide.
September 2011: The Waiting Game
So I’m still not pregnant and I’m waiting not so patiently for my body to cooperate with me... it doesn’t seem to want to. Each month I really pray I have that silly blue Cross and not that devastating line... I seem to be going through these tests like Kyd eating sweets and each time I have a little cry and then get on with it. I don’t think I could even explain that sinking feeling you get waiting for the cross to appear. That feeling of desperation for it to be a cross and not a line is sickening. I feel stupid each time like I should’ve known it was a NO as my body hates me and it doesn’t do cooperation... It’s not what I want that counts it’s what it wants and it’s up to Mother Nature to kick my bodies butt and get on with what it’s supposed to do. I feel for all those who know this moment will never happen and each month I remember that and it brings me back to earth. If I felt so bad now... how must they feel on a regular basis? My heart goes out to the woman who can’t conceive and I’m sorry if my whinging on has been upsetting to you... I don’t really know what to say on that subject and I don’t pretend to understand how it feels either... I just wanted to add that.